Being locked up in a house all day, poor, scared of everything, nothing much to eat most of the time, and always tired sucks ass. The only thing I have really is my furbies and computer. I mean, I do have a boyfriend, and I do love him. We don't see eachother as often as I would like due to him having a lot of work. I hate that I always feel like i'm unloved. People say, "Oh i'm sure your father loves you very much," I just don't feel like he does. When I was younger and lived with who i'll call Kendall, my father said I should ask more for things (She used to get stuff constantly), and I do.. But he acts like I don't deserve it which makes me feel like I should just end up on the side of a highway. He doesn't realize how sensitive I truely am. Maybe I don't show it well. For example, when we're in the car, sometimes he'll touch my leg, and I tell him to stop but he always mocks me for it even though it's makes me VERY uncomfortable since when he was dating a woman i'll call Kelly, he used to touch her leg, so I take leg touching as something sexual and uncomfortable. I feel like all men are kind of like that, even my boyfriend, doing something they don't realize hurts the hell out of other people. It isn't as bad with my boyfriend, the only thing that makes me want to cry is when we agree to hangout or I want to hang out but he has to work. I mean, I know it's his job and he has to do it. Sometimes he just gets called in because someone is being lazy, and thats where it upsets me. Summer is always the lonliest time for me, and I feel locked in a basement, detacthed from everything, people, the world.. This summer lonliness is so bad that on the rare times i'll go to wallmart it'll feel 'not real'. Like i'm not there even though I am. It's like a very vivid dream with a light feeling in your heart and being unable to think straight. Another thing with my boyfriend is that he hates everything I like. Hey, I don't really like the things he likes, but I really do try to do those things with him, like listen to him talk about cars. He never listens to things I like without a fuss. The only company I even have during the summer constantly really is my online friends, mostly just Blizzard though, love that goofy guy despite my boyfriend not aprooving of him. I assume jealousy since I talk with Blizzard a lot. I've known Blizzard longer than my boyfriend. My summer lonliness is enhanced by the fact the only family i ever really interact with at all, year round, is my sister and father. Nobody else cares. I wish I had a real life Edgar, I would care and love him my whole life. I wish my boyfriend was a girl sometimes, I don't know why. I just do. Sometimes, in the summer when i'm alone in the mornings I will hear strange shit.. The first time was knocking at the back door, no one was there. Second time, this year, I think? I heard angelic singing, i'll find a song of what it kind of sounds like someday, i think it sounded like something by the Caretaker, i jsut can't rmemeber what it was called. That's all i'm writing for tonight. I might right tomorrow or never, who knows. I'll kind of feel guilty if he reads this. I'm sorry if you come across this my love.
Today my boyfriend came over and watched Good Burger 2 with me. I wanted to watch 2001 Space Odysesy with him, but it wasn't on any platform I had. It was an okay movie. Tomorrow my aunt might finally do somethign with me. Maybe my wishes are coming true, I mean, early morning, aka like 2 am prob, i wrote what I wrote last. I ALSO BEAT GABRIEL TODAY! IT WAS SO FREAKING HARD TO BEAT THAT ULTRAFUCK IN ULTRAKILL. Speaking of Ultrakill, I got to watch Blizzard blast through all of the levels to Gabriel. He's pretty good at the game in my eyes. it makes me wonder how many hours he has on ultrakill lol. My Dad keeps being a meanie. Today we tried to pay our bills, but all of the places were closed despite stating 8:00 pm. like what the freak!! Love you, good night. I can't stop thinking about the angel singing I heard once.
My head hurts.